In a move designed to promote what the administration is calling ‘maximum efficiency and sparkle in American households,’ EPA Administrator Lee Zeldin this week announced the new ‘Toxins For Tots’ initiative, which guarantees children under six access to all recently unregulated pesticides, solvents, and mystery chemicals previously locked away behind layers of red tape and common sense.

The announcement has drawn the ire of the Make America Healthy Again (MAHA) movement, a group that, until recently, thought President Trump was running on a platform of ‘less cancer, more kale.’ MAHA leaders have demanded Zeldin’s resignation, citing a betrayal of the president’s campaign promise to ‘Make Tap Water Vaguely Clear Again.’

‘We just wanted less arsenic in the apple juice, not more arsenic in the apple juice,’ said Dr. Sonya Greenspan, MAHA’s chief petition-organizer and part-time juice box sommelier. ‘This isn’t what we meant by healthy deregulation.’

EPA spokesperson Trent Flurb responded, ‘We believe in a free market of molecules. If your child can pronounce ‘chlorpyrifos,’ they’re obviously old enough to ingest it.’

Meanwhile, Trump weighed in on Truth Social, writing, ‘Remember, folks: a little chemical never hurt anybody. My hair survived the 80s. Let’s keep America shiny and strong!’

Zeldin defended the rollbacks, adding, ‘If you can’t identify what’s in your tap water by taste alone, are you really American?’

At press time, the EPA was reportedly considering a new slogan: ‘Every compound left behind.’