In an urgent bulletin to the nation’s shoppers, consumer experts and lifestyle influencers are warning that missing this week’s deals on the Nintendo Switch 2 and the Ninja Creami ice cream maker could lead to irreparable family disappointment and an existential void that not even TikTok dances can fill.

“We’re seeing a direct correlation between happiness and grabbing the Switch 2 Mario Kart bundle at $449.99,” explained retail analyst Marcy Hembrow, clutching her cart at a local Best Buy. “If you wait until tomorrow, your children may look you in the eye and ask if you love them at all.”

Meanwhile, the Ninja Creami continues to send shockwaves through the dessert-industrial complex. At $70 off, the Creami offers citizens the chance to make four bowls of frozen joy, or, according to Creami superfan Todd Furlong, “finally achieve the ice cream-based self-actualization my therapist keeps talking about.”

The stakes of missing out have reached unprecedented levels. According to data released by The Verge, the last time a Nintendo console bundle sold out, national morale plummeted to levels unseen since the great Tamagotchi Shortage of 1997. “I guess you could try to bond with your family by talking or going outside,” mused retail sociologist Dr. Pamela Quayle, “but why risk it when you could just buy electronics at an incredible discount?”

As the Cyber Monday leftovers dwindle, authorities urge all citizens to stock up on gadgets, lest their holidays devolve into tragic, unplugged, ice cream-less despair.