COSTA MESA, CA—Under mounting pressure from privacy advocates and people whose credit scores mysteriously plummeted after a late-night Taco Bell run, Experian’s Chief Technology Officer Alex Lintner held a press conference Wednesday to assuage public fears. “Let’s be clear: Experian is not Palantir. Our vast, inescapable data repository is only omnipresent in, like, a comforting, motherly way,” Lintner insisted, unveiling a new flowchart titled ‘How Consent Technically Exists Somewhere In the User Agreement.’

Lintner assured the public that while it is difficult to function in modern society without unwittingly joining Experian’s ecosystem, this is “strongly correlated with American prosperity, and only occasionally with existential dread.” When asked how consumers can meaningfully opt out, Lintner replied, “Absolutely! Any American can opt out at any time by relocating to a remote cave without electricity, plumbing, or broadband access—just fill out Form X-1138-B, available exclusively on our password-protected portal.”

Critics remain skeptical. “Whenever I close my fridge, I’m 90% sure Experian knows if I bought oat milk or 2%,” said Johnny Marquez, who claims his score dropped after switching streaming services. “I tried opting out and within minutes, a drone delivered a pamphlet explaining how I’d just forfeited my ability to rent a U-Haul.”

Company spokesperson Laura Kinsley clarified: “We use cutting-edge AI to ensure our systems hallucinate responsibly. Our credit scores are based solely on your financial trustworthiness, grocery rewards cards, and the frequency with which you Google ‘How to fix my credit score.’”

Lintner closed by reaffirming, “Rest assured, Experian’s main priority is protecting your data, unless the dark web, Equifax, or your second cousin’s fintech startup offers a really, really good deal.”