WASHINGTON—In a landmark speech Friday, Federal Reserve Chair Kevin Warsh assured Americans that ‘delivering stable prices’ remains the central bank’s top priority, shortly before admitting that he still has no idea what to do about inflation and may just start changing interest rates for fun.

“Stable prices are like Bigfoot,” Warsh proclaimed to a packed conference hall. “People say they exist, but I have seen neither, and honestly, at this point, I’m starting to doubt both. Still, it’s my job to keep looking.”

Despite persistent inflation stubbornly mocking the Fed’s 2% target, Warsh stopped short of making any promises or predictions, stating, “We’ll keep our options open. Maybe we’ll raise rates. Maybe we’ll lower them. Maybe we’ll invent a new kind of rate that’s both higher and lower at the same time. We’re brainstorming.”

Wall Street analysts greeted the remarks with confusion and mild resignation. “It’s clear the Fed is following the classic ‘wait-and-see-and-panic’ approach,” said Darlene Rigsby, chief economist at Notional Bank Corp. “I’m just hoping they don’t move the decimal point again like they did in 2022.”

President Donald Trump responded swiftly, taking to social media to demand the immediate elimination of all numbers and math, declaring, “Interest rates should be NEGATIVE and so should the prices. That’s the ART OF THE DEAL.”

As investors braced for another wild ride, Warsh remained optimistic. “Rest assured,” he concluded, “the Federal Reserve will keep doing whatever it is we’re supposed to be doing, as soon as we remember what that is.”