WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Commodity Futures Trading Commission announced Friday that former White House teleprompter operator Gabriel Perez has been fined $172,000 for exploiting privileged knowledge about President Trump’s speech patterns to cash in on online betting markets.

Perez, who served as the administration’s senior font enlarger and typo fixer, was found to have made over 300 wagers on Kalshi predicting which words Trump would fumble, invent, or deliver at deafening volume. According to regulators, Perez placed bets as specific as, “Odds Trump calls Tim Cook ‘Tim Apple’ a second time” and “Likelihood of spontaneous windmill cancer reference.”

“I just never thought anyone would catch on,” Perez told reporters outside a hearing, clutching a well-worn copy of The Art of the Deal and sipping a Diet Coke. “But when Trump started riffing about dishwashers again, I knew it was a lock.”

White House Ethics Czar, Lionel Gribbins, expressed shock. “The integrity of presidential teleprompter operations is the bedrock of our democracy. What’s next—secret bets on whether the State of the Union will end in a freestyle rap?”

Kalshi CEO Jenna Rathbone responded, “While we encourage vibrant civic engagement, we do draw the line at wagering on whether ‘covfefe’ makes a comeback. Our terms of service are clear: no insider nouns or adjectives.”

Asked about future plans, Perez said he’d consider switching to sports, adding, “At least soccer coaches don’t ad-lib nuclear policy. Yet.”