DAVOS, SWITZERLAND—In a bold statement at the World Economic Forum on Tuesday, California Governor Gavin Newsom declared that European leaders have become ‘spineless enablers’ of U.S. President Donald Trump’s relentless quest to purchase Greenland, warning that continued acquiescence would inevitably lead to America annexing ‘anything with glaciers or halfway decent chocolate.’

‘Every time Trump says “I want to buy your ice island,” you all just shrug and say, ‘Let’s have more meetings,’’ Newsom charged, addressing an audience of startled Scandinavian diplomats and one comatose Belgian finance minister. ‘We used to expect Europe to stand up to senseless American demands. Now, you let him call dibs on Denmark’s freezer section.’

Newsom, widely considered a frontrunner for the 2028 Democratic presidential nomination, challenged the continent to find its backbone. ‘If you don’t stop him at Greenland, next he’ll want Switzerland. Then what? France’s cheese caves? Finland’s saunas? It’s a slippery, extremely cold slope.’

European Commission Vice President Franziska Leberwurst responded, ‘We’re exploring economic sanctions, but frankly, we’re afraid he might put a Trump Tower on the Matterhorn.’ British diplomat Sir Nigel Brattwurst added, ‘We tried saying no, but the man just drew a Sharpie border around Greenland on a map and threatened to tweet about it.’

When pressed for comment, Trump himself tweeted, ‘Greenland is terrible at golf but we can fix that. Europe is jealous!’ Newsom concluded, ‘The world needs leaders, not landlords. Unless those landlords offer rent control.’