MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — In a bold step forward for individual empowerment, Google announced Thursday that it will allow social media influencers with massive followings to customize how their search results appear, ensuring the internet’s most popular personalities can finally stand out from the unadorned, plebeian masses.

The new feature, dubbed “MysTerious™, gives creators with at least 100,000 YouTube subscribers—or 300,000 TikTok followers, for those who prefer their fame bite-sized—the ability to personalize their search results page with curated videos, dazzling profile banners, and whatever font they deem worthy. Everyone else will be automatically assigned the Times New Roman of obscurity.

“We felt that people who already have millions of fans were experiencing too much anonymity online,” explained Google Product Visionary Kaley Gremis, who admitted to personally approving the animated sparkle GIFs now available for a select few. “Now they can make sure their Google results look as fire as their Instagram stories.”

The company confirmed the feature will remain off-limits for small businesses, job applicants, and Nobel Prize winners unless they can demonstrate at least 100,000 followers on X, formerly Twitter. “This is about fairness,” said Gremis. “Why should a nuclear physicist with only 89 followers get more search page personality than an ASMR mukbang star?”

Verified influencer Brody LaChance, best known for recording himself eating various brands of scented candles, celebrated the move. “It’s about time,” he said. “My followers deserve to see my personalized reaction emoji every time someone Googles ‘Brody+fire+hospital.’”

Not everyone is pleased. “I just wanted my daughter’s charity bake sale to show up with a photo,” said Wisconsin mom Colleen Furse. “Google told me I’d need 250,000 TikTok followers or a minor in Brand Management.”