MELBOURNE—In what experts are calling “the UFC of halal certifications,” two rival certifiers have entered the octagon armed only with briefcases of slander and a deep-seated distrust of each other’s lunch plans. The Islamic Co-ordinating Council of Victoria (ICCV) claims it was sidelined in favor of adversaries Midfield Meats, after being accused of running what was described as “the halal front for international villainy.”

“We just wanted to make meat permissible, but apparently it’s permissible to be accused of financing a shadowy lamb-based caliphate,” sighed ICCV spokesperson Rahim Barkat, whose recent attempts to order kebabs have been met with suspicious glances. “Next they’ll be saying our sausages are a Trojan Horse.”

The Victorian County Court found that Midfield Meats, upon hearing that ICCV was being probed by the Australian Federal Police for terror financing, immediately cancelled their contract, citing concerns over “exporting panic with every pastrami.”

Midfield’s managing director, Tony Clancy, lamented, “Running a meat empire is tough enough without worrying that your certifier might be plotting to radicalize your livestock.”

Industry observer Linda O’Mallory suggested the field is only getting more competitive: “I hear next year’s halal certifier expo will feature lie detector booths and ‘Guess Who’s on a Watch List’ icebreakers.”

As both parties now await the court’s final ruling, sources say the only thing more suspect than their mutual accusations is the fate of next month’s lamb shank barbecue.