HEBRON—In a bold demonstration of the ever-evolving Israeli Defense Forces’ security protocols, soldiers in Hebron introduced the latest innovation in checkpoint enforcement Friday by opening fire on a car that had just meticulously complied with a military stop order. The family vehicle, containing seven-month-old Sam Fahd Abu Haikal, was reportedly halted by soldiers at the Tel Rumeida checkpoint for participating in the region’s new ‘Drive While Existing’ initiative.

Eyewitnesses confirmed the car had come to a complete stop, dimmed its headlights, and displayed a ‘We Surrender To Your Eternal Occupation’ bumper sticker, yet somehow failed to pass the rigorous standards of peace and quiet enforced by the heavily armed security contingent. Israeli military spokesperson Lt. Gili Steinberg assured the public there would be a full investigation. “We must ensure that every baby is given a fair chance to prove they’re not masterminding a covert pacifier smuggling ring,” Steinberg stated. “Our soldiers showed remarkable restraint by only firing 38 rounds.”

Families in Hebron have been advised to invest in the new ‘IDF-Compliant Family Pack,’ which includes Kevlar bassinets and a set of tiny hands raised in permanent surrender. “Next time, we’ll just stay indoors and hope the roof doesn’t look too rebellious,” said Rami Abu Haikal, Sam’s devastated uncle. Meanwhile, local IDF commander Col. Yaniv Briskett insisted the incident was regrettable, but “sometimes a baby’s rattle just sounds suspiciously like a grenade.”

In a related development, the Ministry of Defense launched an ad campaign reminding civilians: “If you see something, say something. Unless you’re a baby. Then, please, just stay silent forever.”