CANNES, FRANCE — In a revelation that has rocked the ad world to its core, Digitas North America CEO Amy Lanzi declared at the Cannes Lions festival that, against all hopes and LinkedIn posts, artificial intelligence will not, in fact, magically save the advertising industry. The bombshell was delivered between sips of $90 rosé and rounds of applause from executives trying to expense swimsuits as ‘strategic investments.’

“We’re simply not at a point where AI can convincingly justify the existence of all these chief growth officers drinking Negronis at 1 p.m.,” said Lanzi to a crowd of marketers dressed as disruptors, a profession formerly known as ‘middlemen.’ When pressed about AI’s promises to automate ad creation, Lanzi noted, “The last time we automated something, we just created five new job titles and a task force to monitor the task force.”

Industry reaction was swift. Ted Pixelsworth, Chief Visionary at Meta, expressed dismay: “What’s the point of having a 2,000-GPU cluster if I still have to approve an influencer’s sponcon about vitamin gummies?” Meanwhile, Janice Ringo, an actual Cannes rosé vendor, added, “Honestly, if AI could help these people remember their hotel rooms, that would be innovation.”

Cannes attendees were last seen frantically revising pitch decks to focus on whatever comes after AI. Early rumors suggest ‘consciousness-driven synergy optimization’—or, as one attendee admitted, “Just making up better words until the cheese plate arrives.”