NEW YORK—In a development that has shocked approximately zero people, nearly one million investors expressed mild surprise this week after President Donald Trump’s $TRUMP memecoin failed to usher in a new golden age of prosperity, instead resulting in combined losses of $3.8 billion, while Trump himself pocketed a modest $636 million and a new gold-plated golf cart.

The cryptocurrency, which experts have described as “the financial equivalent of buying air from a guy in a red hat,” saw a fervent wave of investment from Americans hoping to cash in on the former president’s Midas touch. “I bought 50,000 $TRUMP coins because I thought it would Make My Portfolio Great Again,” said Ohio truck driver and aspiring day-trader Chad Tuggerson. “Turns out, the only thing going up is my credit card debt.”

Crypto analyst Linda Fischel, who tracks ‘doomed-to-fail’ tokens, commented, “In hindsight, perhaps a coin whose entire value proposition was Trump’s signature in Comic Sans should have raised a few more red flags.” She added, “Or any flags, really, besides those at his rallies.”

Campaign spokeswoman Tori Flagstone defended the endeavor, saying, “The $TRUMP coin is a symbol of American innovation, self-reliance, and the freedom to lose money however you want. President Trump is proud to pioneer that right for millions.”

At press time, Trump announced a new blockchain project called TrumpNFTee, which he promised would be “totally different, folks—this one’s backed by real Mar-a-Lago grass clippings.”