DES MOINES, IA—The Iowa House race for GOP Rep. Zach Nunn’s seat careened off the rails this week after Marco Battaglia, a hopeful candidate, claimed he was approached by a shadowy cabal demanding he prove campaign worthiness through exotic wellness rituals reportedly masterminded by presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

According to Battaglia, representatives from the so-called “Kennedy Legion of Wellness” cornered him outside an Altoona gas station, urging him to eat raw liver, dry brush his lymph nodes, and recite the vaccine schedule backwards. “They told me if I couldn’t bench-press a 5G cell tower, I wasn’t fit for Congress,” Battaglia said, still visibly trembling while sipping filtered bone broth.

Campaign staffers insist this is just the latest in a string of bizarre tests allegedly organized by Team RFK Jr. “We already had them meditate in a field of pesticide-free millet, so this seems on brand,” noted Iowa political strategist Cheryl Munsen. “At least they’re not making them drink bleach—yet.”

RFK Jr. himself denied involvement, though a campaign spokesperson did confirm they “favor candidates who demonstrate exceptional resilience to mercury exposure.” Local Republican rival Carroll “Cornbread” Jensen was reportedly spotted practicing his primal scream therapy near a Des Moines quarry, claiming, “I’m not losing a House seat to some guy who can’t even tell the difference between organic and biodynamic kale.”

With primary day looming, experts say this unorthodox pressure campaign is a clear sign Iowa politics is, finally, reaching optimal vibrational frequency.