TEHRAN—After a brief 1,579-day pause due to war, the Tehran Stock Exchange triumphantly reopened this week by instantly inducing stress-induced palpitations in half the country’s adult population.

Traders gathered in the newly refurbished basement of the National Bank of Iran, where screens now display red numbers in soothing calligraphy. Exchange head Mostafa Zanganeh valiantly rang the opening bell, prompting a short circuit that symbolically mirrored the market’s overall stability. “We expect things to be rocky at first, but that’s just the sound of a healthy market coughing up eight years of pent-up trauma,” Zanganeh assured attendees, clutching a stress ball shaped like an oil barrel.

Investors were quick to resume traditional stock market rituals, including heavy sighing, blaming sanctions, and frantically Googling ‘What is a hedge fund?’ “It’s nice to be able to lose the family savings in a legal way again,” said Faramarz Hedayati, an amateur day trader. “During the closure, I had to speculate by buying used car parts and Bitcoin from random Telegram channels.”

Officials from the Ministry of Economic Optimism urged calm, suggesting that panic-selling be limited to only 40% of one’s portfolio per day. “For every loser, there’s a future winner, hopefully by 2050,” declared Deputy Minister Parisa Ghaemmaghami, before tossing her opening dice onto the trading floor.

Meanwhile, state media assured viewers everything is fine, airing a special rerun of ‘Who Wants To Be a Million Rial-aire?’ to lift spirits. Experts predict the reopening will boost national morale, or at least, distract citizens from other news until the next closure.