As picnic season sweeps the nation, Americans everywhere are discovering that JBL’s Flip 7 Bluetooth speaker—now 40% off—is actually the only reliable companion they need, friends and hydration be damned.

Weighing about as much as a neglected bottled water and sporting an IP68 rating for dust and water resistance, the Flip 7 is reportedly “more emotionally available” than Bob from accounting and “way less likely to flake last minute.”

“I used to call my buddy Chad to come over for backyard beers, but he says his phone died, or he’s at Pilates,” said Flip 7 owner Marissa Trent. “Meanwhile, my Flip 7 survived a fall from my third story window and played Lizzo the whole way down. Try getting that kind of loyalty from Chad.”

When asked about social life implications, JBL spokesperson Trent Loud issued a statement: “With 14 hours of battery and Playtime Boost, the Flip 7 can power through the most awkward family BBQs without judging your potato salad. Plus, it comes in six colors, unlike Chad, who only owns three shirts.”

Area water bottle Hydro Flask was unavailable for comment, but sources say it has been distraught since being replaced in Marissa’s hiking backpack by the speaker’s interchangeable strap and carabiner. “She used to fill me with cucumber water. Now she fills the woods with Pitbull remixes,” Hydro Flask allegedly posted in a now-deleted Instagram Story.

Analysts predict that by Labor Day, the Flip 7 will have successfully replaced at least 60% of friend groups, water bottles, and—thanks to lossless USB-C audio—possibly even minor existential dread.