COLORADO SPRINGS, CO — In a stirring address at the Air Force Academy, Vice President J.D. Vance unveiled the next phase of the Trump administration’s military modernization: the installation of a 500-foot gold-plated dome on every U.S. military installation worldwide by the end of 2025.

The grand project, officially titled “Project Shimmering Patriotism™,” is reportedly Trump’s personal brainchild and will, according to Vance, “significantly improve military morale, solar reflectivity, and international respect.” Vance assured cadets that the domes, visible from low orbit, would “remind adversaries that America’s bling is non-negotiable.”

“Our troops serve best when they know they’re protected—not just by honor, but by a radiant golden shell reflecting the values of the Trump era,” Vance declared to a crowd of confused but polite cadets. He went on to claim that military housing quality would improve due to the domes’ “trickle-down shininess.”

Pentagon contractor Tiffany-Glitz Defense confirmed that each dome would feature state-of-the-art solid gold selfie stations and a built-in golf simulator. “We’re inspired by Trump’s architectural genius,” said project manager Bryce Glimmer. “We see this as the Statue of Liberty, but with way more gold.”

While most world leaders have yet to comment, Russian President Vladimir Putin reportedly called the domes “a creative overcompensation,” while Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau simply sighed on live television.

Despite concerns about cost and visibility to enemy satellites, Vance insisted, “If you can’t see what America stands for from space, do we really stand for anything at all?”