COLUMBIA, SC—In a rare but highly anticipated public address noted for both its urgency and use of the phrase ‘Listen, Jack,’ former President Joe Biden issued a dire warning Wednesday that Donald Trump will attempt to ‘steal’ the upcoming midterm elections, most likely through outlandish and previously untested cartoon-villain tactics.

‘We’re living through dark days, folks—dark enough that I nearly tripped over them coming onstage,’ Biden told an audience of several dozen in the parking lot of a Bojangles Famous Chicken ‘n Biscuits, where he was being presented a Lifetime Achievement Plaque for ‘Remembering Names.’ ‘I wouldn’t put it past Trump to show up at polling places with a giant magnet and a fake mustache, whisking away ballots while everyone’s distracted by free hats.’

Political analyst Dr. Henrietta Frobish, who has watched every C-SPAN broadcast since 1987, agreed. ‘We are seeing a level of election-theft paranoia that hasn’t been present since the 1824 Andrew Jackson campaign, when he accused John Quincy Adams of using a time machine.’

Trump campaign spokesperson Chad Bigly responded by clarifying, ‘President Trump absolutely opposes any form of election theft, unless it involves official Trump Casino playing cards. We call on President Biden to donate his Lifetime Achievement Plaque as proof he’s not planning to rig the results.’

‘Look, the American people are tired,’ said South Carolina voter Janet Habersham, 68, in between spoonfuls of mashed potatoes. ‘We just want politicians to stop arguing and start offering free biscuits with every ballot.’

The White House did not comment on rumors that Biden plans to set up a decoy ballot box filled with oatmeal as a countermeasure.