WASHINGTON, D.C.—Responding to recent whistleblower allegations, Kennedy Center officials forcefully denied that their $8 million flooring contract was influenced by former President Donald Trump’s insistence on “the most beautiful, tremendous floors—everybody says so.”

Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI) raised eyebrows this week by claiming that the opulently renovated surfaces—described in invoices as ‘Presidential Porce-luxe™ with Extra Gold Flake’—were chosen less for their durability and aesthetics, and more for their ability to reflect Fox News studio lighting. Whitehouse questioned why the contract required the installation crews to wear red ties and salute a portrait of Andrew Jackson before waxing.

“It is absurd to suggest politics played a role,” said Kennedy Center Facilities Director Vance Tupperware, standing atop an eight-foot-tall golden podium. “This flooring is so sturdy, it can support three consecutive galas hosted by Ivanka with zero scuffing. That’s nonpartisan science.”

Contractor Chad Sledgehammer defended the extravagant costs, citing ‘specialty mahogany imported from Trump Vineyard, aged in Mar-a-Lago humidity.’ “Look, you can’t rush luxury. Every plank was hand-signed—with a sharpie—by Eric Trump while reciting Pledge of Allegiance. That’s craftsmanship!” Sledgehammer asserted.

Center spokesperson Tiffany McMansion added, “It’s not about politics. It’s about ensuring every ballet dancer can pirouette confidently on a surface that also doubles as a putting green. If that’s controversial, so be it.”

At press time, the Kennedy Center’s second-floor espresso bar was reportedly being replaced with a tactical bunker ‘just in case’ the ghost of FDR gets involved.