MENLO PARK, CA — In what officials are hailing as a “watershed moment for digital accountability,” social media behemoth Meta has agreed to a record $18 billion settlement with 41 U.S. states, following allegations that the company repeatedly harvested user data, undermined democracy, and mildly inconvenienced people with birthday reminders for people they barely know.

Under the terms of the deal, Meta will pay the sum in a brand new cryptocurrency, Metaverse Bucks, which CEO Mark Zuckerberg assures is “recognized everywhere Meta Quest headsets are sold.” The payment will be delivered via virtual briefcases to avatars representing state attorneys general in a solemn Zoom ceremony next week.

“I mean, $18 billion used to be a lot of money,” said Connecticut Attorney General William Tong, whose avatar sported a freshly-minted NFT tie. “But we’re thrilled to report that this settlement is enough for every American to receive one free sticker pack and a commemorative Meta-branded stress ball. Justice is finally served!”

Meta’s legal team praised the deal for its “unprecedented transparency,” noting that the entire settlement agreement was already available to the public—if you could find it buried somewhere between the Privacy Policy and a Rickroll on Facebook’s Help Center. “We believe in accountability, as long as no one reads it,” said Meta spokesperson Lisa Pewterschmidt.

Industry expert and self-proclaimed “Metaverse Visionary” Brock Hologram weighed in: “This is a clear message to Big Tech: you can face consequences, as long as your lawyers are better at VR than everyone else’s.”

Analysts expect the settlement will create at least three to five jobs in the emerging field of Virtual Money Laundering.