LANSING, MI — Declaring that the free market should decide who gets to torch the planet, Michigan filed a groundbreaking lawsuit accusing ExxonMobil, Chevron, Shell, BP, and the American Petroleum Institute of running an exclusive climate apocalypse club and price-gouging for the privilege.

“We believe that all states—not just oil giants—deserve a fair shot at melting the polar ice caps and incinerating suburbia,” said Attorney General Dana Nessel, speaking from an increasingly swampy Lansing. “Michigan will not stand idly by while out-of-state conglomerates corner the market on catastrophic hurricanes, wildfires, and lucrative flood insurance payouts.”

The suit alleges that Big Oil’s “Cartel of Carbon” colluded to suppress renewable energy and electric vehicle sales, thereby preserving their near-monopoly on planetary destruction. “Frankly, it’s anti-competitive when only five companies get to give us beachfront property in Detroit,” complained Larry Knudsen, president of Michigan’s Coalition for Ethical Meltdowns.

Representatives for the oil companies defended their actions, with Exxon spokesperson Rick B. Drilling stating, “We categorically deny all accusations of being a cartel. We’re more of a close-knit family business that occasionally manipulates global temperatures for profit.”

When reached for comment, Chevron pledged to respond after consulting their legal team, their PR team, and their cabal of ancient petrostates. Meanwhile, the American Petroleum Institute released a statement saying, “The climate was changing before we got here, and it’ll keep changing long after our summer homes are underwater.”

Industry experts predict the legal battle could last until the Great Lakes become the Great Puddles.