In a bold attempt to appear generous and hands-off, Westminster ministers have announced plans to randomly scatter untold billions in business rates across England’s regions, asking local mayors to “do whatever seems best and maybe invent some new forms.”

Local Government Secretary Steve Reed was clear in his instructions: “We’re shoveling it out the door. The regions have always said they wanted more power, so here’s a giant heap of money. Good luck! Let us know how that goes.”

Regional mayors from Manchester to Cornwall have greeted the news with confusion and mild panic. “Do we just… take it?” asked Greater Manchester mayor Lisa Bampton. “Are there rules? And what’s a ‘business rate’? I thought we’d moved on to cryptocurrencies.”

In a further twist, the plan includes vague suggestions that areas could use the newfound wealth for “justice, health, education, or possibly a cupcake festival.” While some officials celebrated the move as the greatest devolution since the time Boris Johnson let the North keep its rain, others were skeptical.

“It’s like receiving a dozen IKEA boxes but no instructions,” said Jamie Fletch, a junior finance officer for Leeds. “I’m just hoping they don’t ask for the receipts.”

A Treasury spokesperson clarified only that “the money will be delivered in commemorative hessian sacks, as is tradition,” before urging the public to “think of this as an experiment, like Brexit, but with less paperwork.”