NEW YORK — Americans everywhere have been forced to confront the darkest corners of their souls after HBO announced plans for a 47-hour, non-stop Harry Potter series marathon and corresponding ‘Ethics Hotlines’ to gently guide fans through their inner turmoil.

The new series, based meticulously on J.K. Rowling’s seven original books, has been dubbed by Warner Bros. Discovery executives as “the streaming event of the millennium—if we all survive the philosophical fallout.”

“We expect viewers to ask themselves hard questions, like ‘Is watching a CGI centaur more or less problematic than eating a non-organic avocado?’” explained marathon co-producer Olivia Grindle, referring to the complex moral dilemmas each episode is designed to provoke. “We’re providing a complimentary 400-page Viewer’s Manifesto to help navigate the ethical implications of every spell cast, scarf worn, or J.K. Rowling royalty check cashed.”

The series has inspired confessionals on social media. “It’s honestly exhausting,” sighed Brooklyn resident and self-described ‘Reluctant Ravenclaw’ Megan Truss, who has already reserved therapy for every Monday after each premiere. “I just want to see a three-headed dog, not trigger the collapse of civilization.”

Meanwhile, HBO Max spokesperson Chad Drummond clarified, “By using our special ‘Woke Calibration’ settings, viewers can adjust the level of existential dread to suit their personal comfort. Toggle between ‘Ignorant Bliss’ and ‘Ultra-Guilt.’ It’s just good business.”

Insiders confirm J.K. Rowling herself is quietly monitoring fan reactions, reportedly muttering, “If this doesn’t get me canceled again, maybe I’ll just make Dobby the main character next time.”