As Wall Street continues its signature impression of a malfunctioning roller coaster, financial advisers across the country have unveiled their boldest strategy yet: doing absolutely nothing, except possibly hyperventilating into a nearby lunch sack.

“After extensive analysis, we concluded the best move is to remain perfectly motionless and avoid all sudden gestures,” said Gerald Finklestein, Chief Market Whisperer at Midas Management. “If you must, quietly hum ‘Kumbaya’ until the opening bell stops ringing in your ears.”

The nation’s investors, once preoccupied with actual investment decisions, now take direction from a complex matrix based entirely on the proximity of their emotional breakdown to their retirement date. “If you need that money soon, perhaps consider quietly weeping,” advised Linda Cornwell, author of the bestselling pamphlet ‘Market Dips and Deep Breaths.’ “If you have a longer horizon, you could try staring into the void for several years and hope for the best.”

Despite the innovative hands-off approach, some industry contrarians remain skeptical. “We recommend our clients actively do less than nothing,” insisted Marcus Wu, managing director at Tranquil Wealth Advisors. “Ideally, they should forget they ever had money.”

At press time, the SEC confirmed that no rules exist against investors curling up under their desks until further notice, as long as they avoid accidentally trading the office stapler.