In a society desperate to conceal their own inability to pick up after themselves, Americans are welcoming the new generation of robot vacuum-and-mop combos, which promise to remove everything from muddy paw prints to incriminating ketchup stains faster than you can admit you never learned how to use a broom.

The Roborock Qrevo Curv 2 Flow, a $999 machine equipped with a 20,000Pa suction motor and the kind of AI obstacle detection usually reserved for self-driving tanks, has been hailed as “the closest thing to a live-in maid that won’t unionize.” According to Mary Pelterson, a mother of three golden retrievers and two actual children, “I used to fear visitors would see what my floor looked like. Now, I only fear they’ll trip over the charging dock. Progress!”

Early reviews note the Qrevo’s roller mop can apply up to 15 newtons of downward force, meaning it can theoretically erase residues, memories, and possibly the very concept of dirt itself. Its smart sensors also help it avoid obstacles like pet toys, toddler shoes, and the last remnants of the American Dream. “It’s incredible. I watched it try to dodge my son’s peanut butter sandwich for a full hour before it gave up and called me on my landline to negotiate terms,” said local tech enthusiast Darren Crouse.

While some critics note the robots’ tendency to get stuck in tight spaces, manufacturers say this is an authentic simulation of human cleaning methods. Roborock spokesperson Lisa Davids assured customers, “We wanted our bots to reflect the experience of cursing and sweating while cleaning behind the couch—just without the actual manual labor.”

For those unable to pony up four digits for a mop, Roborock offers the more economical Q10 S5 Plus, promising to leave floors “almost as clean as if you cared.”