LONDON—After countless hours of rigorous debate, analysis, and at least 14 rounds of voting, a distinguished panel of BBC Sport experts has finally determined the critical factor in ranking the 2026 World Cup stadiums: toilet wait times.

“Of course you want atmosphere, but if I have to miss a goal because I’m stuck behind 150 Uruguay fans trying to use the loo, what’s the point?” declared BBC correspondent Nigel Prindle, who recently spent so long queueing at the Toronto Dome that he claims to have reached a state of spiritual enlightenment. “I don’t care if the stadium is made of gold, I just want to pee before halftime.”

The panel, which included stadium architecture obsessives and at least one man who thinks Astroturf should be illegal, ultimately selected Arrowhead Stadium in Kansas City as 2026’s best venue. Official reasoning cited its “unprecedented 1:20 urinal-to-fan ratio, plus a nachos stand right outside the bathroom for maximum efficiency.”

Other factors, such as seat comfort and field visibility, were reportedly dismissed after BBC’s Janet McWatkins revealed she once watched an entire England match from inside a merch kiosk due to “overflow issues.” “Honestly, if you can survive the bathroom experience and still remember the score, that’s a win,” she added.

In a bold move, FIFA officials responded by promising to install a record-breaking 80 new Port-a-Loos at the New York stadium, noting in a press release: “We hear the fans. And we smell them, too.”