WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced Monday that he will personally attend the Pentagon’s extravagant 25th annual 9/11 Memorial and All-You-Can-Eat Shrimp Extravaganza, promising a “very tasteful, incredibly dignified, and quite possibly Michelin-rated” commemorative event.

“It’s the Pentagon, folks. We’re doing tremendous things. No one does national tragedy anniversaries like I do—ask anyone,” Trump declared at an impromptu press conference from his new Gold Star Suite in the E-Ring. “There’s going to be a fantastic spread. The best cake. And, of course, I’ll give the greatest speech. Better than Lincoln at Gettysburg, that I can tell you.”

While some questioned Trump’s decision to skip the traditional Ground Zero ceremony in New York, White House spokesperson Tiffany Grandoise assured the nation that Vice President J.D. Vance “is perfectly capable of showing up in lower Manhattan, reading names, and looking somber without any presidential oversight.” She added, “We trust him not to say anything weird about Ohio this time.”

In an exclusive interview, Pentagon Head of Memorial Logistics, Lt. Col. Skip Bumble, explained, “We’ve had 25 years to plan the perfect event. There will be tasteful mood lighting, a moment of silence, and, per presidential order, a gold-plated nacho cheese fountain.”

Event coordinator Mildred Brimley told reporters, “We’re anticipating a lively turnout, especially since the president has offered commemorative 9/11-branded golf balls for the first 100 attendees. It’s what America would’ve wanted.”

Sources report that, following the solemn buffet, guests may be treated to a surprise flyover by the Trump-branded drone squadron.