GENEVA—As peace talks between Russia and Ukraine move to Geneva, Russian officials arrived Monday carrying a scroll of territorial demands so long it required four aides and a set of wheels. Kremlin spokesperson Anatoly Klebnikov defended the demands, which include the transfer of all Ukrainian territory to Russia, a lifetime supply of Swiss chocolate for Russian negotiators, and the mandatory public screening of ‘Swan Lake’ in every Ukrainian city square.

“Our requests are modest—just a light redrawing of the European map and free parking in Geneva,” said chief negotiator Pavel Pavlovsky, adding that Russia would also appreciate coupons for the hotel minibar. “Frankly, we feel we’re being very generous by not demanding sunlight rights over all of Eastern Europe. Yet.”

International reaction has ranged from weary eye-rolling to outright laughter. Ukrainian representative Oksana Horbenko said, “At least this time they didn’t ask for France. Last round, that was awkward.”

Despite mounting casualties and a recently-launched Kremlin crowdfunding campaign, Russia remains steadfast. “We will not back down until Ukraine is fully de-ukrainified and our Instagram is back online,” insisted Russian envoy Svetlana Gorbunova, who briefly paused negotiations for a TikTok dance challenge. Meanwhile, Western diplomats reportedly spent most of the first session perusing Swiss spa brochures and looking up ‘asylum’ in French.

Talks are expected to continue until Russia’s demands fit on a business card or their frequent flyer miles run out, whichever comes first.