WASHINGTON — In a historic move, Republican senators unveiled a sweeping new plan Wednesday to ensure election integrity by requiring all voters to present a government-issued photo ID, DNA sample, and at least one baptism certificate at the polls.

The proposal, introduced by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s AI-generated hologram, pairs the new requirements with $60 million in grant funding for any state willing to install retinal scanners at its local elementary schools. “This is a come-to-Jesus moment for American democracy, or at least for anyone named Jesus trying to vote,” explained Senator Ted Cruz, adjusting his Texas-themed monocle. “If you can’t prove your identity beyond a shadow of a doubt, you probably just wanted the free sticker anyway.”

According to the 900-page bill summary, states can apply for funding to set up Vote Verification Zones, where citizens must compete in a three-question American history quiz and an obstacle course involving inflatable eagles. “We just want to make sure every real American gets to vote,” said Senator Marsha Blackburn, “which of course means anyone who can name all the Baldwin brothers.”

Democrats were quick to object, with Senator Chuck Schumer arguing, “This will disenfranchise millions of Americans who can’t produce documentation, or who suffer from extreme sticker allergies.” Meanwhile, White House officials assured voters that the additional steps would make voting “just as user-friendly as applying for a mortgage during a thunderstorm.”

At press time, the Senate was debating whether to include a bonus round of trivia for absentee ballots.