Springfield, OH—Citizens of Springfield are reportedly in shock following a Supreme Court decision stripping legal status from Haitian residents, prompting fears that the city’s one reliable workforce might flee for greener, less-insulting pastures. Local leaders expressed concern that the ruling could devastate Springfield’s most profitable industry: people who don’t call in sick every Monday.

“Look, we haven’t had this much productivity since that week in 1987 when the town all quit drinking at once,” said City Councilman Rick Buntley, nervously eyeing the empty Main Street. “If the Haitians go, Springfield will have to return to its historic roots: idle speculation and a shuttered K-Mart.”

Longtime resident Linda Pringle told reporters, “First Trump calls Haiti a what-now country, and now they want to deport folks who brought back our soccer league, four small businesses, and the only bakery that’s not a front for crypto mining? It’s just so wrong.”

President Trump, reached for comment at a nearby Big Boy, clarified, “I love the Haitian people, but nobody appreciates their ability to put up drywall like I do. Still, we have to be tough—otherwise, what will Ohioans have to complain about except potholes and that statue of Garfield?”

Despite the chaos, Springfield’s Chamber of Commerce is optimistic. “We’re launching a new plan to fill the employment gap through aggressive recruitment from Toledo,” announced Chamber President Marlene Biggs. “We just hope they remember how to spell ‘work’ by the time they get here.”