In a landmark 6-3 decision Wednesday, the Supreme Court ruled that the President has the absolute authority to fire any federal regulator, cabinet official, or overcaffeinated Starbucks barista, prompting legal scholars to scurry to redefine both ‘regulator’ and ‘Grande iced chai.’

Writing for the majority, Chief Justice John Roberts declared, “A president must have the unchecked ability to swiftly remove underperforming federal employees, except, of course, Supreme Court justices themselves—otherwise one might destabilize the checks and balances.”

Dissenting justices decried the decision. Justice Sonia Sotomayor, sipping nervously from a reusable mug, warned, “The court gives the president a power unknown even to the English crown, and quite possibly to any manager not wearing a red vest at Target.”

Conservative groups cheered the ruling, with Federalist Society spokesperson Brian Hawthorne exclaiming, “This is massive. Finally, a president who can immediately fire the Federal Reserve chair, the head of the EPA, or a TSA agent who gives him too much attitude at Newark Airport.”

Meanwhile, White House aides reported that President Trump immediately attempted to terminate the director of the Centers for Disease Control, three postal workers, a pothole repair crew in Scranton, and a parking meter.

Legal analysts predict this will lead to increased executive flexibility, robust turnover in regulatory offices, and abnormally long lines at every coffee shop within a mile of the White House.