WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprise 6-3 decision Tuesday, the Supreme Court ruled that mail-in ballots are, in fact, legitimate forms of voting and may be counted if they arrive up to five business days after Election Day, provided they were postmarked on time. The ruling triggered an immediate outpouring of confusion, outrage, and suggestions for replacement voting methods from the Republican National Committee.

Chief Justice John Roberts, writing for the majority, clarified, “If a ballot takes the scenic route through Shreveport, Biloxi, and Tupelo before reaching the statehouse, that’s not disenfranchisement. That’s just the magic of the U.S. Postal Service.” Roberts added, “The Constitution does not specify whether ballots must arrive via mule, pigeon, or third cousin twice removed.”

The RNC had argued that late-arriving mail-in ballots represented a threat to democracy, time management, and, in one brief moment, the American corn supply. “If we start counting ballots that come after Election Day, who’s to say we’ll ever stop counting?” asked RNC spokesperson Jebby Witherspoon, nervously clutching a stack of unopened mail. “Some people send Christmas cards in February. Do we want to be Europe?”

Mississippi state legislator Bartleby Finch, who cosponsored the original law, celebrated the court’s decision, stating, “We believe in counting every legitimate vote, even if it shows up attached to a pizza coupon.” Meanwhile, tech entrepreneur Brayden Cotterfield suggested, “Why not blockchain carrier pigeons? I have a startup if anyone’s interested.”

The Supreme Court assured the public that, moving forward, all votes postmarked correctly and delivered prior to the heat death of the universe will absolutely be tallied, unless otherwise specified by the Louisiana State Legislature.