WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a landmark 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court has sided with President Trump’s bold plan to restore faith in American elections by restricting mail-in voting and requiring that all future ballots be delivered exclusively by certified carrier pigeon. The move comes as part of a wider effort to ensure that only ‘real, actual, physical, breathing’ Americans (with government-issued bird-handling permits) are allowed to participate in democracy.

The new ruling lifts a Massachusetts injunction blocking Trump’s executive order, while leaving open the possibility for pigeons to later be replaced with more trustworthy animals, such as purebred golden retrievers or bald eagles. “If Benjamin Franklin could trust pigeons, so can we,” declared Justice Samuel Alito, gesturing proudly at a coop of court-approved fowl installed in the Supreme Court basement. “Feathered friends don’t vote twice.”

President Trump hailed the decision as ‘the greatest victory for democracy since the invention of envelopes.’ In a statement written in Sharpie, he explained, “Mail-in voting is like letting anyone walk in off the street and take your Netflix password—it’s madness. These pigeons, believe me, are Very Smart. They know who’s real.”

Critics, however, raised concerns. “I’m worried this will disenfranchise Americans who don’t have access to fancy city pigeons,” said Teresa Wombat, president of the League for Avian Voter Equity. “We can’t allow a system that privileges urban birdowners over rural turkey wranglers.”

Meanwhile, Canada’s Prime Minister Mark Carney responded diplomatically, noting, “While we respect America’s proud tradition of election innovation, we cannot accept any trade deal requiring us to weaken our own moose-based balloting system.”