LONDON—British politics entered a new era of spiritual panic this week after Tory shadow minister Nick Timothy accused Muslims praying in Trafalgar Square of orchestrating an ‘act of domination,’ causing nationwide concern over the possible spread of tranquility and multiculturalism in public spaces.

Timothy declared, “If we allow people to pray peacefully in famous landmarks, what’s next? Meditation on the Tube? Tai Chi in the queue for Greggs?” He called on Prime Minister Rishi Sunak to authorize the deployment of official ‘Prayer Police’ to all major squares and roundabouts, just in case anyone tries to summon divine blessings before the pigeons do.

Labour leader Keir Starmer responded by demanding Timothy’s immediate sacking, stating, “Britain is a country where we only tolerate public demonstrations if they involve angry taxi drivers or inflatable Boris Johnsons. This is an absolute travesty.”

The Metropolitan Police issued a statement urging calm, clarifying that their investigation had found ‘no evidence of mind control, mass conversion, or competitive rug placement.’ Detective Inspector Fiona Marmalade noted, “We did observe high levels of serenity and inner peace, but these appear to be non-infectious.”

Home Secretary Sir Reginald Stiffupperlip, meanwhile, proposed emergency legislation requiring all worshippers to first seek approval from the Ministry of Heritage and Tea, adding, “We just can’t risk Trafalgar Square becoming some sort of international hotspot for positive vibes.”