WASHINGTON—In a bold move at Wednesday’s cabinet meeting, President Donald J. Trump announced that Iran is nefariously exploiting what he called a ‘super secret midterm calendar,’ allegedly designed to stall peace talks until after the November elections. According to Trump, the Iranian government is pouring millions into buying the world’s most advanced planners, including rare holographic Lisa Frank diaries and a custom Google Calendar interface accessible only by Supreme Leaders.

‘They thought, you know, they’d just wait me out,’ Trump told assembled reporters while holding an upside-down map of the Middle East. ‘I demand they show us their day planners. I bet it’s just a big picture of me surrounded by question marks.’

White House Strategic Scheduler Larry Quibble confirmed that Trump has authorized a special envoy to Iran consisting of himself, Jared Kushner, and the entire staff of Staples. ‘If Iran really cared about peace, they’d meet our negotiators at Office Depot at 3pm sharp,’ said Quibble, adding, ‘We’re bringing extra highlighters in case they want to star important dates.’

Iranian spokesman Faramarz Redline dismissed the allegations. ‘We do not even have Google Calendar,’ he claimed. ‘We use only Windows 95.’

Meanwhile, senior advisor Stephen Miller warned that Iran’s master plan could inspire rogue nations everywhere to synchronize stalling. ‘If North Korea gets their hands on a Filofax, global security could be at risk,’ Miller cautioned, nervously glancing at his own color-coded calendar.