PALM BEACH, FL—Former President Donald Trump announced Saturday via a 12-point Verdana Truth Social post that the United States and Iran are “basically about to sign the greatest peace deal ever,” contingent on both sides agreeing that peace is, in fact, “really cool, maybe the coolest.”

According to Trump, the landmark deal will prevent Iran from obtaining nuclear weapons and will immediately open the Strait of Hormuz to international shipping, Carnival Cruises, and, if necessary, the Trump Yacht Collection. “Iran doesn’t want nuclear weapons anymore. They said so, and I believe them. If they wanted one, they would have built it ages ago, but they didn’t. Tremendous restraint, really,” said Trump, standing in front of six American flags and an inflatable globe.

Negotiator Chad Bixby, recently promoted from Trump Doral’s pro shop, praised the agreement’s simplicity. “Honestly, we just asked Iran, ‘Hey, do you promise to chill out?’ and they were, like, sure,’” said Bixby, reviewing the unsigned treaty, which, sources confirm, still contains the phrase “Insert details here.”

Iran’s Chief Diplomat Gholam Karimi expressed excitement for the new relationship, telling reporters, “We’re thrilled to try American cheeseburgers and learn what ‘truth social’ means. Also, is Mar-a-Lago pet-friendly?”

Still, Trump warned Tehran that “the ultimate alternative”—widely understood to be either military action or a sternly-worded meme—remains on the table. “We hope it’s peace, but, you know. I’ve got options. Some of them involve lasers.”

The peace deal is tentatively scheduled for Sunday afternoon, in between brunch and Trump’s weekly retweeting of himself.