Big Daddy's Truth Factory

Trump Appoints Random Rich Guy From Twitter to Gut Intelligence Agencies, Promises to Find Someone Who’s Actually Heard of the CIA Later

In a bold move to streamline America’s intelligence operations, former President Donald Trump announced Monday that Bill Pulte, noted philanthropist and guy who gives strangers money on Twitter, will immediately execute the “total downsizing” of the U.S. intelligence community—at least until someone with relevant experience is available.

“Bill’s watched at least three seasons of Homeland and understands the importance of secrets and also, frankly, the importance of tweets,” Trump said during a Truth Social Livestream. “He’s got a lot of followers. And I like that in a Director.”

Pulte, who made his fortune by distributing $100 cash prizes to lucky retweeters, showed excitement for his new, temporary role as Acting Director of National Intelligence. “I plan to save taxpayers billions by merging the CIA with the Powerball hotline and outsourcing analysis to my Twitter followers. Crowdsourcing intelligence is the future,” Pulte tweeted, tagging @CIAOfficial and adding a GIF of a dancing baby.

The decision has drawn mixed reviews. Former CIA analyst Sharon Helmquist expressed concern, stating, “I just hope he knows the difference between a ‘thread’ and an ‘asset.’” Meanwhile, longtime Trump advisor Gary Lutz dismissed critics: “Frankly, Bill knows more about giving away American resources than anyone we’ve had in government. It’s a perfect fit.”

Trump assured the nation that once Pulte has cleaned house, he’ll seek a permanent director “with, you know, at least a Wikipedia page about national security.”

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