In a bold move to reassure global markets, former president and current expert on international shipping lanes Donald Trump declared today that the Strait of Hormuz is “absolutely, totally, unbelievably open,” despite satellite images showing nothing but tumbleweeds and two confused oil tankers wandering in circles.

“I just spoke to my very good friend—he’s a captain, a tremendous captain—and he said the water’s never been more open,” Trump announced from his Mar-a-Lago pool float. “If you can’t get through, it’s probably because your boat is low energy.”

The Iranian Navy had earlier announced the closure of the strait following a series of attacks. However, Trump’s claim—delivered via a series of tweets and a hastily sketched nautical chart—appeared to be enough for the U.S. Department of Transportation, which promptly issued an advisory: “The Strait of Hormuz is open to all vessels, except for those susceptible to fire, missile strikes, or existential dread.”

Eyewitness reports remain sparse, with Bloomberg noting the presence of only two oil tankers, both of whom appeared unsure if they were approaching the Persian Gulf or simply lost in the world’s largest parking lot. “I’ve been circling for hours and all I see are memes of Trump,” said Captain Neil O’Reilly of the SS Free Market. “At this point, I just want to refill my Slurpee.”

Meanwhile, Jared Kushner insisted, “The strait is open wide enough for peace and prosperity to sail through, provided they fit within a 30-foot corridor regulated by Iran.”

International mediators continue to race against time, and Google Maps has temporarily relabeled the strait as ‘Closed for Maintenance, Try Detour via Antarctica.’