WASHINGTON—America’s financial markets experienced mild turbulence Tuesday after President Donald Trump was revealed to have earned over $2 billion during his first year back in office, mostly by pioneering ‘red, white, and gold-plated’ cryptocurrency ventures and settling court cases with himself.

A 927-page disclosure released by the US Office of Government Ethics detailed the president’s astonishing profits from TrumpCoin™, TrumpNFTs, and his latest startup, “CryptoTrump University,” which promises average citizens the opportunity to lose money ‘bigly’ in the exciting world of digital assets — all while collecting limited-edition NFTs of Eric Trump’s haircut.

Senator Elizabeth Warren described Trump’s earnings as “disgusting greed that even Bitcoin finds unstable,” and called for tighter rules preventing future presidents from minting coins bearing their own face, slogan, or frequently sued casino properties. “Nobody needs 600 pages describing how Donald Trump sold a ‘blockchain wall’ to Finland,” Warren fumed, waving the disclosure. “Why is Barron listed as a majority shareholder in something called DogeMar-a-Lago?”

White House spokesman Cashmere Fudd defended the president’s moneymaking streak: “President Trump simply leveraged his entrepreneurial genius and love of democracy. If you hate prosperity, just say so.”

Financial influencer Brock Chainteenth added, “It’s inspiring to see the world’s most powerful man rug-pull the American taxpayer and still have time for 18 holes.”

Meanwhile, Trump announced a new collectable digital asset—TrumpBucks—telling supporters, “Now, you can own a piece of the presidency, and unlike the dollar, it doesn’t lose value unless I tweet.”