Bedminster, NJ — In an escalating campaign against inflammatory language, former President Donald Trump called for the immediate arrest of House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries, after reportedly stumbling upon the phrase “maximum warfare” while browsing motivational quotes on Thesaurus.com.

“Frankly, it’s the most violent thing I’ve ever read—way worse than ‘lock her up’ or ‘fight like hell,’” Trump said at a hastily arranged Mar-a-Lago press conference, clutching a printout of Jeffries’ speech with ominous red underlines. “If you say ‘maximum warfare,’ you could be talking about absolute carnage—like a really nasty food fight or something.”

Supporters quickly picked up the theme. “I heard my neighbor say ‘battle the weeds’ after Jeffries spoke. Total escalation,” testified self-identified grassroots activist Brenda Gaul. “Now I’m scared to even go outside with my hedge trimmer.”

Trump’s legal advisor, Rudy Colludini, told reporters, “We believe under the little-known ‘Too-Much-Intensity Clause’ of the First Amendment, Mr. Jeffries is liable for incitement. Frankly, he should be tried at The Hague, or at least on Fox News at 9 PM.”

House Republicans, meanwhile, announced plans to ban references to ‘maximum’ and ‘warfare’ from all future Hallmark cards. “We must tone down the rhetoric before birthday parties turn into DEFCON 1,” warned Rep. Billy Flaggerty (R-TN), flanked by security guards armed only with strongly worded statements.