SAN FRANCISCO — A tense showdown erupted Wednesday in the People’s Court of the Billionairely Unhinged as Elon Musk physically wrestled OpenAI CEO Sam Altman for the existential fate of humanity, and possibly a limited edition Tesla flamethrower signed by Grimes. The trial, described by robots on X as “the most entertaining irrelevance since the metaverse,” features Musk accusing OpenAI of betraying its noble founding mission: to create artificial intelligence that only he is allowed to be afraid of.

In emotional testimony, Musk explained, “I gave them money so they could save humanity, just as long as they did it in the exact way I would if I had the time, which I obviously don’t because I have to save humanity in five other companies.”

OpenAI’s legal team countered that Musk was simply jealous and looking for attention, noting that the lawsuit may actually be an elaborate pitch for Grok, Musk’s AI project that only answers in meme format. “Elon appears confused about whether he wants AI to be humanity’s savior or its anarchist ex-girlfriend,” said OpenAI lead counsel William Savitt.

Meanwhile, the courtroom has become a tech soap opera, with former OpenAI board member Shivon Zilis testifying via interpretive dance, Greg Brockman live-tweeting his cross-examination using only GIFs, and Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella refusing to acknowledge the trial happened at all. “Frankly, I expected more lasers,” confessed Nadella while not attending.

Judge Yvonne Gonzalez Rogers has threatened to replace the jury with GPT-4 if decorum is not restored. Legal experts warn the verdict could determine whether humanity’s doom is delayed until Q3 earnings.