BEIJING—Returning from what he described as a “historic” summit with Chinese President Xi Jinping, former President Donald Trump on Friday hailed the outcome as a “tremendous success,” after both leaders agreed that there were still at least five things they utterly disagreed on.

At a press conference in Mar-a-Lago’s gold room, Trump touted “major breakthroughs on the important issues,” citing a mutual understanding that progress on Taiwan, artificial intelligence, human rights, and Iranian uranium would be “deferred to a future meeting, possibly never.”

“President Xi and I agreed that trade is important and that I look really good in red,” Trump announced, standing in front of a stack of unsold Trump-brand neckties. “We both shook hands and agreed to try really hard to be friendly the next time we talk, which in diplomatic terms is as good as a treaty.”

Chinese Foreign Ministry spokesperson Li Xiu claimed the talks were a “monumental step forward,” explaining, “It is rare in international relations to achieve such a perfect state of unresolved tension. Both sides can now return home and claim victory, which is the real win.”

Meanwhile, official U.S. translator Karen Billings described the atmosphere as “productive,” adding, “I translated the phrase ‘Let’s agree to disagree’ at least fourteen times. After that, we just started nodding politely.”

Asked about the unresolved issues, Trump boasted, “Listen, you can’t solve everything all at once. But you can take a nice photo by a big red wall and eat Peking duck, and that’s what leadership is all about.”