WASHINGTON—In a stunning escalation of his post-election grievances, former President Donald Trump announced Sunday that he has formally demanded Venezuela immediately return all ‘stolen 2020 ballots’ and ‘any mystical voting algorithms’ to the United States before the close of business, or face ‘unprecedented levels of presidential pouting.’

The demand, issued via an all-caps Truth Social post and an animated GIF of a scowling Florida Marlins mascot, echoes Trump’s longstanding theory—previously found to be ‘so ludicrous it’s kind of charming’ by Judge Marjorie Specter—that Venezuela’s government personally managed his 2020 electoral defeat using a combination of ‘Cuban hacking magic’ and ‘really pointy USB sticks.’

‘We have it on very good authority—almost too good, frankly—that Nicolas Maduro himself was seen in a warehouse stuffing ballot boxes labeled “Totally Not For Biden,”’ Trump confidant Rudy Giuliani told reporters, referencing a recently surfaced YouTube video of a Venezuelan warehouse, which was later identified as a Caracas Costco.

White House spokesperson Chad Bluster clarified, ‘Our current Venezuela policy is based on legitimate concerns, like migration and narcotics, not the fact that Hugo Chávez invented Windows 95. Any connection to imaginary voting software named ‘El Dominionator’ is purely coincidental.’

Venezuelan election official Leticia Peña responded via telegraph, ‘Please stop sending us subpoenas stapled to Taco Bell wrappers. We don’t know what a Pennsylvania is.’

Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) has called for an immediate Senate hearing on the suspicious number of arepas found in swing-state polling places.