MAR-A-LAGO, FL—In a press conference held between afternoon tee times and an all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet, former President Donald Trump announced his full support for Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton in the upcoming Senate primary, while simultaneously giving Iran a strict deadline for peace negotiations that coincidentally aligns with his social calendar.

“I told Iran, look, you have until maybe Monday, maybe Sunday—depends on how my weekend goes. After that, we’ll have to talk consequences. Or ballrooms. Or both,” Trump told reporters, adjusting his signature red tie and consulting a list of possible threats written on a Mar-a-Lago napkin. “Ken Paxton is a winner. He’s not afraid to stand up to the radical left or—if necessary—give a nuclear program a stern talking to.”

Paxton, standing beside Trump and holding a commemorative golden gavel, thanked the former president for his endorsement. “I appreciate President Trump’s trust in my ability to both serve Texas and negotiate with foreign powers over brunch,” Paxton said. “It takes a real leader to schedule global crises between fundraising dinners.”

Trump’s Iran ultimatum has sparked confusion among international diplomats and wedding planners alike. “We’re not sure if we’re supposed to negotiate, prepare for sanctions, or find a venue for a peace-themed cotillion,” said Yasmine Farzaneh, Iran’s chief negotiator, from an unnamed undisclosed ballroom.

Meanwhile, Kentucky Rep. Thomas Massie reported being “attacked in spirit” after Trump declared him “a 2 out of 10, at best, on the loyalty chart.” Massie responded, “I look forward to seeing if I survive another Trump disappointment purge—or at least the group text.”

As for Iran, all eyes remain on Friday to see whether the former president’s next move will be sanctions, airstrikes, or simply reserving a larger dance floor.