PALM BEACH, FL—In the wake of his latest arraignment, former President Donald Trump addressed his supporters at Mar-a-Lago, delivering a speech that legal scholars nationwide are calling “a fascinating blend of legal innovation and extended family genealogy.” Trump, who spent several minutes methodically listing the names, birthdays, and preferred sandwich orders of both Judge Juan Merchan and his relatives, later explained his approach was ‘a time-honored legal tradition.’

“When you’re in the courtroom, you go after the judge’s family. That’s how Caesar did it, that’s how Lincoln did it, and, frankly, that’s how I do it,” said Trump, referencing a non-existent chapter in the U.S. legal code. “If you want to win, you have to mention the judge’s aunt’s dog. Everybody knows that.”

Legal analyst Terry Flugelbinder of the Institute for Questionable Tactics applauded the move. “Mr. Trump is pioneering what we call ‘offense-based jurisprudence,’ where you simply insult the judge into submission. Honestly, it takes years to master this art.”

Judge Juan Merchan’s neighbor, Doug Biddle, was less impressed. “I woke up to Trump supporters demanding the judge’s sixth-grade report card. I just want to mow my lawn in peace.”

Trump campaign advisor Gloria Flagsworth announced plans to publish ‘The Art of the Judicial Family Attack,’ slated to hit bookstores this summer. “We’re hoping this becomes a new chapter in constitutional law,” she said, urging law students to memorize extended family trees and preferred pizza toppings of federal judges everywhere.