PALM BEACH, FL—In a move hailed by supporters and deeply confusing to law enforcement, former President Donald Trump this week suggested that his proposed $2 billion “Anti-Weaponization Fund” could be used to provide comfort packages to January 6 Capitol rioters, including spa vouchers, emotional support animals, and complimentary fruit baskets.

“These people have been treated so unfairly—told that breaking windows and chasing senators is some kind of crime,” Trump told NBC’s Meet the Press. “If anything, they were the real victims. I might even buy them all new MAGA helmets. Premium ones, not the cheap stuff. That’s how much I respect law and order.”

The initiative, promised to “end the weaponization of justice,” would offer cash bonuses and “trauma debriefings” to anyone convicted of assaulting a police officer in defense of democracy. “When I heard about this, I just wept,” said Chad Rumson, self-identified ‘Spiritual Leader of the Capitol Skirmish.’ “Finally, someone willing to recognize that swinging a flagpole at a cop is an act of free speech.”

Skeptics remain, including former Capitol Police Chief Dwayne Tufferson. “I’m not sure ‘emotional hardship stipends’ for people who tased my officers is what the Founders envisioned,” he said, clutching a stress ball shaped like the Constitution.

Trump campaign spokeswoman Marcie Pillows affirmed the plan’s intent: “President Trump just wants to make sure nobody has to riot without the resources and recognition they deserve. And maybe a little commemorative plaque.”

When asked if the fund might offset legal fees for fentanyl dealers or jaywalkers, Trump replied, “We’ll consider all American patriots. It’s a beautiful fund.”