In a bold display of presidential values timed for the nation’s Fourth of July celebrations, President Donald Trump has pardoned 11 Americans, including two convicted fraudsters and nine men whose only crime, he argued, was ‘loving the thick, hearty air that built this country.’ The pardons, announced as much of the U.S. languished under a historic heat wave, were described by White House spokespeople as ‘a direct blow for liberty, and maybe your sinuses.’

The nine men, collectively known as the Diesel Freedom Riders, were convicted of ‘innovative air enhancement techniques’—or, as the EPA calls it, disabling truck emissions controls and rolling coal through suburban playgrounds. Trump called their actions ‘the kind of American ingenuity that got us the Industrial Revolution, NASCAR, and that weird orange haze over Houston.’

In an official statement, presidential legal advisor Wyatt B. Fumes explained, ‘These patriots replaced government-mandated exhaust parts with what we call Liberty Pipes. Sure, the air isn’t technically breathable, but it’s unmistakably American.’

Diesel enthusiast Buck “Throttle” McGee, whose truck emits what he proudly refers to as ‘freedom clouds,’ called his pardon ‘a victory for real Americans who prefer their BBQ with a hint of radiator coolant.’ Meanwhile, EPA director Sharon Carcinogen issued a gentle reminder, ‘Science may be fake news, but asthma is still trending.’

The president also pardoned convicted embezzlers Chip and Clip Moolah, stating, ‘They only stole because the government left money lying around. That’s entrapment.’

At press time, Trump reportedly considered pardoning July itself, citing ‘unfair prosecution by meteorologists.’