WASHINGTON—Defending himself against a tidal wave of criticism from Republican hawks who insist the U.S. should only negotiate through drone strikes and sternly worded tweets, former President Donald Trump assured the nation Sunday that his pending peace deal with Iran would bear no resemblance whatsoever to any other deal ever, by any president, in any dimension.

“My deal is the anti-Obama deal. If Obama’s deal said left, mine says right. If his had hummus, mine has Big Macs. That’s how you make peace. That’s how you win!” Trump declared on Truth Social, posting a photoshopped image of himself shaking hands with Ayatollah Khamenei over a pile of cheeseburgers. He later clarified, “Actually, it’ll be the most beautiful, strong, and totally unique deal. Frankly, the best deal Iran’s ever seen.”

Republican hawks, led by Sen. Tom Cotton and a visibly rattled John Bolton clutching his mustache, immediately demanded to know why Trump had started the war if he merely wanted to end it. “It’s not that I’m against peace—I just don’t like the concept of resolution,” said Bolton, polishing his Jurassic-era saber. “Wars, like my mustache, should never be trimmed.”

For their part, Iranian officials welcomed Trump’s approach. “We appreciate Mr. Trump’s creativity,” said Iranian negotiator Hamed Mirzai. “We’re excited to see what new American invention he brings to the table. We hear rumors of a hovercraft ride at the signing.”

Meanwhile, Fox News host Tucker Hannigan lamented, “If Trump ends this war, his base may have to go back to worrying about windmills and gas stoves. Frankly, I’m devastated.”