WASHINGTON—Escalating his ongoing crusade against foreign attempts to regulate American tech giants, former President Donald Trump announced Thursday that the United States would impose automatic 100% tariffs on any nation that so much as whispers about a digital services tax, especially if it threatens the sacred practice of Netflix password sharing.

“The EU wants to tax Netflix, Google, and maybe even your mom for watching ‘Friends’ reruns in a Parisian café,” Trump thundered at a hastily arranged press conference held at the Mar-a-Lago WiFi router. “If anyone taxes US tech companies, we’ll tax their cheese, their wine, and all their unpronounceable sausages twice as hard. Even if it’s digital sausage.”

Officials from several European countries expressed confusion. “We merely suggested a modest fee on online advertising revenue,” said Marie Dubois, spokesperson for France’s Ministry of Le Streaming. “Next thing we know, my AirPods cost 100 euros more.”

Trump’s newly appointed Digital Fairness Tsar, Todd “Crypto” Johnson, explained, “Our goal is to ensure fair competition. By ‘fair,’ we mean American companies get everything and Europe just keeps exporting accordions.”

Industry experts warn, however, that the tariffs may backfire. “If every country does this, we’ll soon be paying $400 a month for Disney+, and that’s not counting the Hulu tax,” said analyst Avery Granger, who now streams exclusively on VHS.

Sources close to Trump say he is preparing a retaliatory “Netflix Defense Force” in case negotiations fail, and has already ordered several thousand red MAGA USB sticks in anticipation.