WASHINGTON—Interrupting the nation’s legislative process and several senators’ afternoon naps, former President Donald Trump announced Sunday that he will refuse to sign any bills—ranging from infrastructure to National Donut Day declarations—until Congress approves what he called the “Super Mega Ultra Deluxe Voter ID Law.” The proposed legislation, authored by Rep. Buckley ‘No Nonsense’ Nunez (R-FL), would require voters to show a passport, a birth certificate, three notarized selfies, and a holographic sticker of Teddy Roosevelt before entering the polling booth.

“I have discovered—personally and scientifically—that tens of millions of noncitizens, gremlins, and possibly several duffel bags have been voting in our elections for decades,” Trump wrote on Truth Social. “Not anymore! Unless Congress acts immediately, I will sign nothing, not even birthday cards.”

Supporters are enthusiastic. “It’s not asking much,” said conservative activist Linda Keebler. “If you can’t provide two forms of ID printed on certified eagle feathers, should you even be allowed to vote?” Meanwhile, Democratic Sen. Rita Bumbling called the move ‘deeply concerning,’ adding, “I’m just worried this will delay the annual Congressional Cornhole Tournament.”

In the proposed law’s fine print, voting will also require an original oil painting of your grandmother and a blood oath signed in front of at least three notaries public. When asked about the potential impact on future legislation, House Majority Leader Kevin McSalty shrugged, “To be honest, we haven’t passed a bill since the Obama administration, so nobody will really notice.”