WASHINGTON—In a bold new front of international economic diplomacy, President Donald Trump on Saturday issued a stern warning to Canada, threatening a 100% tariff on all moose, hockey pucks, and apologetic phone calls crossing the border should Prime Minister Justin Trudeau dare ink a trade deal with China.

“Frankly, if Canada wants to play footsie with China, then we’re going to hit them where it hurts—in the Tim Hortons drive-thru,” Trump told reporters while unveiling his ‘Great Wall of Maple Taffy’ tariff program. “From now on, every bottle of maple syrup will cost double, and don’t even get me started on poutine.”

Trump also announced that the U.S. has “successfully liberated” oil from seized Venezuelan tankers. “We took the oil. It’s our oil. We have the best oil. Venezuelan oil is now American oil because that’s how things work,” Trump explained, standing in front of a commemorative ExxonMobil-branded oil barrel in the Rose Garden.

Canadian ambassador Bobbie McNice tried to quell tensions, remarking, “If the U.S. slaps a 100% tariff on our lumber and syrup, we’ve still got curling stones and politeness, so we’ll manage.”

Meanwhile, White House trade advisor Peter Narwhal insisted the move would balance trade. “For every barrel of oil, we’ll just import a moose. It’s white-hot economic strategy,” Narwhal said, gesturing to a chart labeled ‘Moose per GDP’.

The Trump administration confirmed that the ultimate goal is to make tariffs so complex and comical that other countries simply give up and send America all their stuff for free.