WASHINGTON — In a surprise move Tuesday, the Trump administration’s Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), once hailed as the nation’s last line of defense against wasteful government spending, officially shuttered its offices and instructed remaining staff to “continue their noble mission from various suburban Panera Breads.”

“Just because the office doesn’t technically exist anymore doesn’t mean government waste is safe. We’re more dangerous without desks,” said self-proclaimed Efficiency Operative Dale Spurlock, speaking from the backseat of a Lyft. DOGE, created by executive order in 2017 after President Trump watched a particularly harrowing episode of “Hoarders: Government Edition,” claimed to have reduced waste by at least “several hundred reams of paper and half a box of Bic pens.”

Despite losing their headquarters, officials insist DOGE doctrine remains alive in “the hearts, minds, and manila folders of dedicated civil servants.” Senior Advisor Brenda Coggins says, “We’ve found revolutionary new ways to save money, like holding Zoom meetings with the video off and issuing government memos on post-it notes.”

Critics argue that without a physical office, DOGE’s impact could be negligible, but former Acting Deputy Undersecretary for Paperclip Audits Tim Rump disagrees. “Bureaucratic efficiency thrives under adversity. We’re now implementing Phase Two: Operation Waste Not, Want Not—basically, we’re swapping out all the coffee for the decaf that nobody wants.”

While DOGE’s official Twitter account has been silent for weeks, an anonymous staffer insists the war on waste continues, “just with a little less overhead and a whole lot more Wi-Fi searching from the parking lot.”